I hate to admit it, but it has been quite a tough start of the year.
Whether this is bad or good totally depends on one’s perspective. The season is filled with so much growth individually and at the family level. But as we all know, growth periods are nothing short of discomfort. When I started out this year, I made those daring prayers. I was quite bored with my Christian walk and I asked God to take me out of the comfort zone and renew my flame.
I know, I know. There are suicidal prayers, and then there is this one. God is a gentleman, He never imposes anything on us. He invites us to take the initiative. He must have been smiling at my prayer saying, “Yes, good girl, now you are talking.” As soon as those words had come out of my mouth, I was scared of what God was going to bring my way. On the other hand, I admit, I was excitedly expectant of the great new challenges he was going to allow to be part of my growth.
I was ready to face it all. Or so I thought! He (through my buddy, the Holy Spirit), made a few suggestions here and there. Talk about inviting me and challenging me at the same time. The other time, Pastor Mosze at Harvest Institute was taking us through a class on Discipleship and talked about how it has to be a balance between Invitation and Challenge. He shared an example of how Jesus first invited his ‘gangos’ in, and as they got so cozy and comfortable around Him, boom, He threw in those wild challenges. (Read Mathew 16: 14 – 23 and focus on Peter). I feel like this is how it was for me at the beginning of the year. As I like to say to those closest to me, God set me up! Hohoho. We are barely halfway through the year and I am feeling the heat is too much. Something tells me, there is more to come. Scary, huh?
Yesterday I caught myself drifting off the plan He (Abba) and I have. I was beginning to make up my case as to why He should re-assign me on another mission. Then today, I read something, on a social media page of someone I follow, that snapped out of this ‘ruler of this world’ manipulated thought. It said something like, “There is something better than giving up (quitting), It is total surrender to God.” This spoke volumes! Something about me you need to know, primarily, I am of a melancholic temperament. I am ever so grateful to have a Sanguine hubby. While it is natural for him to trust in the unknown, I must have everything figured out to be sure of where I/we are headed. Now, sometimes this helps in planning etc, but most times, when it comes to trusting God, it is honestly easy to sing; “I surrender all… to thee,” while making plan B, plan C, plan D, E, F… Z, and putting God out of the picture while at it. It is also easy to think that it’s my efforts that bring about the fulfillment of the purpose for which God created me, when in fact, I am a useless empty shell if it is not for Him. I reflected on these questions,
- Have I replaced God with my dream(s)?
- Where is my heart right now?
- Am I relying on my strength or on His grace?
I realized that maybe being in a place of self-doubt is not as bad if it makes me go back on my knees to God the father. My strength wears out and even if I try to keep it all together the melancholic way, I am glad that I can be real before my father. I am glad that I have a strength in Him that never wears out. As I realize how empty I am and plug into His power, I am filled with a new zeal to carry on. His is forever. His never backs out until it has fulfilled its mission. How wonderful to have His power at my disposal. I like watching detective movies. In many that I have watched, I notice that officers are sent in pairs to crime scenes to establish what the situation is like. Should they find more danger than they had expected, in a matter of minutes (sometimes seconds), their backup team of troops arrives at the scene to rescue them. When I relate it to God and me, God’s power is of course beyond our earthly systems. First of all, He doesn’t leave us to go on the mission journey alone. He is there through it all. But even more important, because He is right there, His back up troops are with us 24/7. How wonderful!
As we kick off another week, that is ushering us into May, the 5th wonderful month, I am making a commitment to self to let go of me and allow His power to fill me afresh. I am also choosing to hand over all the worries and burdens that have made me lose focus, to Jesus so I can concentrate on my mission, knowing He got me.
What about you? How is your year going so far? Leave a comment of encouragement to someone.